20 Dec Do Escorts Have Daddy Issues?
First, what is a “daddy issue,” anyway? Well, it is a folk psychology term, not one used by clinical psychologists. Yet even though it is not a clinical term, there is some useful degree of definitional consensus—which I’ll explain—but first let me point out that by “daddy-issues,” I don’t mean being a daddy’s girl, and I am only addressing how the term is applied to female-gendered people who seek romantic relationships with male-gendered people.
So what are “daddy issues”? Actually, the answer lies on a continuum, as with most psychological syndromes. The continuum varies by the extremity of the criteria: At one end, the criteria for a “daddy issue” are more extreme. The effect of upholding more extreme criteria is to say, “If these criteria are met, then something is definitely wrong with this person because she can’t maintain, or non-anxiously enjoy feeling, connection with another person.” At the other end of the definitional continuum, the criteria are less extreme, so these criteria will aptly describe many more women. The effect of less extreme criteria is to say, “Many people meet these criteria because this is commonly true of the human condition. Many people have this tendency, yet have rewarding relationships. Thus having ‘daddy issues’ is not necessarily problematic.”
The set of criteria used by those who want to make “daddy issues” a distinction between healthy and unhealthy relationship behavior is something like the following:
Such a person has the following tendencies, which undermine her ability to function or even be satisfied in her adult primary or romantic relationships. And she might be conscious or not of these tendencies: She is not necessarily saying to herself, “Boy, I’d like to meet a man who seems like a father figure.” From her point of view, there will be something else she is finding attractive about these men.
- She is attracted to controlling men. Initially she perceives their controllingness as fatherly-authoritative. Fatherly-authoritativeness appeals to her; it looks like the prospect for emotional-security, or of no longer having to deal with the world and all the problems it poses for her; that he will take care of her; and that he will be her interface between the outside world and her personal world, keeping out stressors.
- Typically, two tendencies thwart her as she transitions from trying to get him to want her, to trying to get him to meet her emotional-attachment needs:
o First, she continues to unceasingly demand, “Do I matter to you? Do you want me? Will you continuously pay enough attention to me that I won’t feel lonely? Can you perfectly pay attention to me?” - Second, when the answer seems to her to be “no,” she typically attacks him, either by criticizing or more literally. Less typically, she tries to be more appealing to him.
- Typically, two tendencies thwart her as she transitions from trying to get him to want her, to trying to get him to meet her emotional-attachment needs:
- Her fear that he is going to abandon her—plus her belief that abandonment will feel unbearably lonely—motivates her to be hypervigilant for warning signs he is about to abandon her. This fear also so distorts her perception of his behavior that she tends to interpret his behaviors as confirmation that she was right (even if she wasn’t). To the outsider, including the man, this behavior looks not just clingy or attention –seeking, but like crazy possessiveness or jealousy. And no reality-check seems to stick: No amount of reassurance that he loves her, that he has demonstrated commitment to the relationship, or compliance with her inspecting his cellphone will settle the matter. The very next day, the same issue comes up; her behaviors resume.Because she experiences being single as unbearably lonely (because she cannot soothe herself emotionally, she needs to have someone else around her all the time to be her external soother/distractor) she avoids being single. This might include a strategy of using sex to keep a man around, event for a night, even though she does not find the man attractive or want a relationship with him. This arrangement might last years.
- Because she experiences being single as unbearably lonely (because she cannot soothe herself emotionally, she needs to have someone else around her all the time to be her external soother/distractor) she avoids being single. This might include a strategy of using sex to keep a man around, event for a night, even though she does not find the man attractive or want a relationship with him. This arrangement might last years.
Ok, so that was the extreme-criteria version; there is a set of less extreme criteria. And being less extreme, the criteria applies to more women. And if they do apply, they don’t indicate that any given woman definitely has a pathological attachment-disorder, only that she has a style of relating that works—maybe more well, maybe less well—and that the kinds of problems she’ll have in relationships will be typical of other women with the same issue (just as other issues yield different, yet typical, sets of relationship problems). What are the less extreme criteria?
- An attraction style that is deprivation-based (rather than inspiration-based). Deprivation-based attraction is piqued by the guy’s being almost emotionally available, almost loving, almost respectful enough—in short emotionally tantalizing. But tantalizing only to a woman to whom “almost” is acceptable—either because she doesn’t believe she will be, or deserve to be, or can bear to wait to be, in a relationship with someone fully available, responsive, and admiring. (Versus inspiration-based attraction, where attraction occurs because the woman values how good it feels that with this guy she is free to unfold, to become even more herself. As the poet philosopher Rumi wrote, “Be with those who help your being.” [For the terms and the Rumi quote I’m indebted to Ken Page LCSW.])
- An anxious emotional attachment style motivated by a fear of rejection/abandonment. Such a woman might react in a variety of ways, a greater variety of less pathological ways than the extreme-criteria advocates would include as indicating “daddy-issues.” Yet the following pattern is to some degree present:
- A tendency to perceive relationship problems as the guy’s being under-attentive to /under appreciative of her emotional needs.
- A tendency to become so distressed that she can’t self-soothe during the conflict.
- A tendency, if he tries to disengage from the conflict, to pursue, sometimes literally not letting him depart from an argument, sometimes figuratively, in effect to trying to hold his fee to the fire.
Ok, so now we know what we’re talking about when we’re talking about “daddy-issues,” the extreme and the less extreme version. So, do women who escort have daddy-issues? Yes. Some women. I’d say the same of women who choose not to be escorts. Yes. Some women….And I have seen no causal relationship either way: Having daddy-issues did not predict that a woman who consults me chose to do escort work (or exotic dance work or bottle girl work or other sex work). And conversely, working in any of those roles did not predict that my client has daddy-issues. What most strongly predicts daddy-issues is the combination of:
- having a “daddy” (a primary caregiver) who was unresponsive or unreliably responsive (perhaps due to absence) to her emotional attachment needs as a child, and
- not having anyone else who met those needs adequately.
As you can see, I do not subscribe to the extreme criteria set. I don’t for two reasons. Well, really, two sides of the same coin: First, I’m not a judgmental person; I like people too much—and I like to help people too much—to be interested in labeling who is or isn’t pathological. Second, I like it when any woman is curious about her own subtleties and comes to talk about them just because she wants her life to be that much better. It shows she can have an inspiration-based relationship with herself. And who wouldn’t want that?